Today I am reminded of the way the sunlight comes through the blinds and how it’s always the same to me. Oddly comforting. I once lay on the carpet of the house where I grew up feeling the warmth in stripes on my skin, in wonder at all the sun touches. And as I lay and watch the moonlight through the cracks in my blinds the same way now in my own apartment, alone I can’t stop thinking about my sister. We’re twins, which can be a very curious thing for two fiercely independent women. Whenever I think of my house, I think of her. I think of putting on shows and playing in the dirt. I think of the foam mattress of the bed we shared as little ones and how we used to tear away crumbling pieces of it (which our mother hated) I think of laughing until my stomach hurt.

 I think of holding on to each other as we slipped off of the stairs at the shallow end of the pool and nearly drowned, silently until our mother jumped in to rescue us. I actually think of that moment often when I’m overwhelmed and how it wasn’t necessarily a life saving idea or even a smart idea to grab on to each other but it was our first instinct. I remember her face. I remember thinking, often, that grabbing on to her would be the solution but not always knowing how. I often think about her in absolute awe at the things she can create. See, I’m a person who so often struggles with finding the right words to say and she is someone who seems to always say exactly the right thing. What an incredible human being.  I think so often about our paths and how as adults there’s so much we don’t know about each other. It is so strange to miss someone with the same face. Sometimes I think we’ve been running parallel paths for so long we may never remember how to intersect. Whenever I think of night I think of her. She seldom sleeps. But as I look at the night through the cracks and think of the sun through the same cracks I find comfort. We will always be connected. No one on this plain will ever have such a similar experience and such different experiences. I look at her now as I always have seen her. I am the sun through the cracks and she is the moon.  

Music friends: the title of this post refers to a beautiful song called “Flume” by Bon Iver which you can find on most major music platforms. The lyrics are amazing (they have little to nothing to do with the content here other than the fact that my sister and I both thoroughly enjoy the band…but seriously, purchase it)

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